Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
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Baking is just science you can eat.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118