Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day


Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.


Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.


Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.


I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.


Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”


*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus


The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.


A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”


“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.