Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
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[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.