I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
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why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?
*racks the chamber*