@WilliamAder

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

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@ilovepie84

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

@MrSpoonicorn

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

@Resister4u

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

@druuuck

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

@Kim_pulsive

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

@mrjohndarby

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

@Michael1979

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

@ThRealBallsDeep

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*