Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
You Might Also Like
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.