Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

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I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.


why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward


Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂



Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever


There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug


interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words


Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman


5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*