Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy