Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.


“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*


One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week


Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway


WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?


i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited


“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”


Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”



The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.