@AndyRichter

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

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@primawesome

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@alldrolledup

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

@Fred_Delicious

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

@ihyjuju

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

@fubwat

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

@Cheeseboy22

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.