Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.