Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
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[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Practicing safe sax
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*