Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.


An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.


Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.


West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.


If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.


Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours


I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.


A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.