@BigBec43

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

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@UnFitz

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

@Rollinintheseat

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

@ThatBrenna

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

@karanbirtinna

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

@LADaddy

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

@bewgtweets

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.