saw this in a dream
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me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao