Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
😎 🍻
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
🤣😂
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?