Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
You Might Also Like
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Bros before Ohioes
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY