Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
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Lube but for my dry humor.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.