Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
You Might Also Like
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.