Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
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This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Optional boss fight.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
When you kidnap a writer.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.