“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents