“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’