Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

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My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.


You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.


We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.


My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.


Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.


Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit


[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*


*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*


HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea


I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.