@KarlreMarks

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

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@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

@secondofhername

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

@Angibangie

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

@mahnamematt

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

@ArfMeasures

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

@junejuly12

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

@

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

@ArfMeasures

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

@osigat

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.