Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.