Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.