Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
You Might Also Like
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Received some very disappointing news today
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Every damn time
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
😅😅😅