Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
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me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Yes my dude
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.