say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine