[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me