saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Pretty much. 🤣
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me