saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
You Might Also Like
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Do not steal food from the science building!
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Simple
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.