Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
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I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome