(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Oh the world we live in…
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away