Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
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lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister