Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”