Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days