Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
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Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
me: my friends:
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.