Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
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I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍