saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”