Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away