“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
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her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
haha same
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
black phone good
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.