Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
You Might Also Like
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”