Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
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Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*