Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
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[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.