scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
how was your vacation
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.