SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
umm…
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog