Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
…..pretty much.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
They got a point!
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
*seductively eats two tums*