Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
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Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*