Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I know karate and tons of other words.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
“I will cook for you.” I threatened