SCARY COSTUME
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Bond. Trauma bond.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.