scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
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The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Customer is always right
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
How do you milk an almond?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.