[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
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Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Ken is short for chicken
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that