Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream