Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 馃槄 Congratulations England, richly deserved 馃憦馃徑馃弳 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
You Might Also Like
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Tik Toks be like here鈥檚 a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Not馃槅馃ぃ
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Kids forever killing vibes 馃拃
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Breaking news:
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it鈥檚 missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
rapatouille
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I鈥檓 fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I鈥檓 just old ok
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
oh you don鈥檛 want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house