scenes of unspeakable carnage
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Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.