Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
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Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.